Slooooow

It's so weird; in some ways this weight loss seems to be moving at lightening speed, and at others it's slower than a frozen snail. These last couple weeks I've been back and forth between 293 and 299,finally hitting 291.6 this week. Losing 50 lbs in 4 months and getting under 300 seemed to take no time at all, but getting into the 280's is taking FOREVER!!!

What if I gain one week?

I had a mini-gain last week.  I gain .6lbs.  Now, I know this is minor, but it was the first time I didn't have a loss, and it wasn't even me just plateauing.  It was a GAIN.  But I wasn't too upset.  In fact, I don't think I was upset enough.

See, I know I should be terrified of a gain; terrified of gaining back any of what I've lost or of not losing any more weight.  I've heard from friends in my support group who have experienced this, and my heart goes out to them.  When they share this news, I wish I could take out my Louisville Slugger and beat the fuck out of those gained pounds until they melt away like ice chips.

But when it happened to me, I was...okay with it.  I mean, I wasn't celebrating or doing a feisty jig in my living room (although I do do a an awesome Irish jig when the occasion calls for it), but I wasn't angry or depressed about it either.  I was kind of ambivalent about it.  I knew why I had gained (three birthday celebrations in one week, no matter how careful you are, is a killer) and what I had to do to not gain again (stop celebrating people's birthdays!  Ha!).

I think what also helped was my outlook on losing this much weight.  I try and remember that although I want my weight to get to my goal as soon as possible, this band is something I'm going to have and going to be working with for the rest of my life. So if I have a couple bad weeks where I gain, it's OK, because even though my "fat mind" is freaking out and making me terrified, the reality is, I'm in my mid-30's and I've got at least another 40 years of this banded journey.  Obviously I work too hard to want to see a gain, but at the same time, I'm more aware of my eating and lifestyle patterns than before, and I have the added benefit of restriction from the band.  It simply isn't as easy to gain 50 pounds like it was for me in the first place.  So although a gain isn't a good thing, it isn't the be-all, end-all of my journey wither. I've still got decades to go, and just like life, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  There will be highs and lows.  Peaks and valleys.  Mountains and...canyons?  You get the point.  It's gonna be one tough ride.

Snorkeling

I'm stepping out on my first adventure next weekend!

I joined a group that's all about exploring the outdoors, and they are going snorkeling in Newport, RI next weekend.  I've never been snorkeling, but I love the water, and I've always thought it'd be cool to try it.  Plus, if I ever want to actually get my SCUBA certification and get into a steel cage with great white's swimming around me, I figure I should start with the basics first.  You know, like learning to swim with fins.

When I went on a cruise in 2005, I wanted to go snorkeling on one of the excursions.  However, I was at my heaviest weight then, and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of being the only whale-sized human in the shallows.  But now, having lost almost 50lbs, and, I'm sure, being 7 years older, I've got more confidence and more of an "I don't care what you think of me" attitude.  Plus, I can move easier and quicker and I have more energy now.

So, yes...snorkeling, here I come! :)

Before and After: 40 lbs

Before surgery, my Dr. made it a point to tell me to take a lot of before pictures, specifically in doorways or in home mirrors.  This way, he said, when you are feeling like you haven't made much progress, or you need a boost, you can take a picture in the same doorway or mirror and compare the two side-by-side.  By putting yourself in the same spot at the same angle, you can better see the results you've had.

Fab idea Dr. Kruger!  (Yes, my surgeon's name is Dr. Kruger.  No, his first name is not Freddy, thank goddess.  Although the hospital is on Elm street...lol)

Here's my first side-by-side photo montage.  (I don't know if this is considered a montage; I just love that word.  It's fun to say.  Go ahead, try it.  Montage.  Stretch the second syllable out.  Montaaaaaggggge.  See? )

The picture on the left (blue shirt)* is from July, 2011.  I weighed 350 lbs.
The picture on the right (pink shirt) is from July, 2012.  I weighed 310 lbs.
That, my friends, is what a 40lb weight loss looks like on  me.
*The blue shirt is a 26/28 and the pink shirt is a 22/24

I love seeing the difference in my face every morning when I look in the mirror.  I can see a difference in my body as well, but this daily reminder not only gives me the motivation to keep this going, it starts me off in a great mood for the day!

I Got Stuck

Yesterday was a tough one for me. Because of imminent rainstorms, my plans to spend the day at the river were cancelled, and then in the afternoon it cleared and got hot and humid, so I felt like ass for sitting inside all day. I was bored and restless all day, but too tired and letting my depression get to me to go out and actually do anything. I spent the day (and night) fighting head hunger and trying not to eat everything in the house. My only saving grace was that before my surgery I had cleaned out my fridge/freezer and cupboards of anything other than band-ok foods. Otherwise I would have stuffed myself with a pound of pasta (or tried to anyways). 

I had my first real stick yesterday, on peanut butter and saltines, which was good, because it slowed me down and got me out of my head a little. But it still sucked.  For anyone who isn't banded or who has never experienced getting tuck, let me explain it...

You know when you take too big of a bite, or don't chew your food enough, and try to swallow it anyway?  You get that lump in your throat, as it slides down slowly?  Sometimes you take a drink to help it move easier and quicker, and that always works.  Well, with the band it's similar.  Except worse.

With the band, you know instantly that you didn't chew your food enough, or you are eating too fast, or that you took way too big a bite.  Instead of that lump in your throat, you get a sharp pain and pressure, right under your breastplate, right between your boobs.  Some people get it a little lower, depending on where their stomach and band sits.  For me, mine is fight where put your hands when you are giving someone the Heimlich.

I instantly panic a little, not only because it hurts, but also because my first thought it "Shit, I'm choking!"  But I'm not choking, I can still breathe, and I have to remind myself that as I tell myself to calm down.  I immediately start slimming, which is when your mouth fills with thick saliva.  It's a natural response from the body - produce saliva so you can swallow it and get the food down.  Only, with the band, anything you swallow after the stick - saliva, water - will just sit on top of the food and make you feel worse.

Sometimes just waiting it out works.  Sometimes swallowing the saliva or little sips of water will help.  Sometimes taking papaya enzyme will help - it's chewable and it helps break down the food a lot quicker, so it can pass through your tiny tummy funnel.  But sometimes the only thing you can do is force the food back up and out.

Luckily, I have only experienced this twice.   Once was a minor stick, and I wasn't even sure that's what it was at the time.  I can look back it now and say that yes, I got stuck, but a little water slid the food right through (luckily, I hadn't gotten any fills and had no restriction yet).

The second was yesterday.  I have 4cc in a 14cc band, but only feel a little restriction when the heat and humidity is really band and my stomach swells.  I'm getting my second fill next week.  But yesterday I ate too fast, and I took too big a bite of peanut butter on a saltine, and between the restriction and the peanut butter, I had one fuck of a stick.  I managed to get it to go down with a couple swallows of water, but it hurt like a motherfucker and I was shaken for the rest of the day,

Guess I need to eat slower and watch my bites, chew more carefully.  It's not something I want to experience again, but I'm glad it happened when I had such a small fill amount and I was able to fix it by drinking some water.  I can't imagine having to sit with that pain and panic for an hour until the food dissolves enough to slide through on it's own.  

Ernesto: 1, Me: 0

How do you see yourself when you look in the mirror?

Today I had my monthly check-in with my therapist, and she asked me this question today. She asked if I was having trouble when I looked in the mirror: did I still see myself at my heaviest or could I objectively look at myself and see the weight loss. She wanted to make sure that I won't be looking at a "thin" version of myself but still seeing the old fat me.

While I 100% understand this, I explained to her that my problem has always been the opposite: I never realized how big I was until I'd catch my reflection in a store window, or not be able to fit into my Dad's sweatshirt, or try and squeeze through a small space and get stuck. It's funny; that hindered me before, because I never truly saw how big I was, so it never really pushed me into doing anything about my weight. It took a health problem for me to do something about it. But it's a benefit now.

However, for people who have the opposite problem, they have the hindrance now, having to overcome the mind-game of still seeing yourself as you were before, as opposed to how you are now.  Two sides of one coin.

Happy Bandaversary to Me!

Gonna keep this short since I'm writing this on my Kindle... Today is my 2 month Bandaversary! Yup, 2 months ago today, May 7th, I was Banded. I have lost 37.4 pounds! :) Yay me! Can't wait to see what I'll lose once I finally feel some restriction! lol :)